Written by Jessie Sage, originally published in the Pittsburgh City Paper.
Lying on my bed, I talk to a new phone sex client. I am trying to feel out his desires. I ask him about his past, his sexual experiences, and his unfulfilled fantasies. We casually discuss his feelings about his body, what turns him on, and what he thinks about when he masturbates. One of the interesting parts of the job is how candid people will be when they feel like they have little to lose.
My husband, who overheard this part of my conversation while grabbing something from his closet, later jokes, “Every time I hear you talking to phone sex clients it sounds like you’re conducting a job interview.” Taken out of context, this might sound disparaging. After all, there is nothing particularly arousing about job interviews, at least not the ones that I’ve been on. Yet, there is some truth to his remark.
In fact, the observation that phone sex involves something like an interview process reveals something important about really hot dirty talk: intimate knowledge of what turns both you and your partner on is crucial. Words are powerful; they can cut deep in both positive and negative ways (hearing a particular word or phrase, for example, may be a shortcut to orgasm for one person, and an instant turnoff for another). I ask my new clients a ton of questions because the answers to these questions shape the way I talk to them: what words I use for our body parts, how and what sex acts to describe, and the tone of the interaction.
Something I have learned from talking to so many people is that what works for one will not necessarily work for another. The only way to know what will work is to very actively communicate with your partner, to ask them questions, and to be open and receptive to their answers. And to reciprocate with answers of your own.
This is perhaps why the idea of dirty talk is often so scary. We are not taught to talk about sex in meaningful ways in our culture. Learning to work through the awkwardness of these conversations, however, can lead to really exciting conversations and possibilities. Dirty talking can be a way to explore desires you may not be ready to act out yet, to open up lines of communication, and get to know your partner better. They may surprise you!
Here are a few tips I have picked up from spending thousands of hours on phone sex lines.
First, allow yourself to experiment with language without fear of judgement. Learning to dirty talk is akin to learning a new language, and you cannot learn a new language without a few awkward encounters. This also means that you should extend to your partners the same freedom to explore.
Second, while the words themselves are important, also think about the way that they are delivered. Slowing down the pace and elongating words is often a way to shift a dialogue from everyday speech to sexy dialogue.
Third, if you are not yet ready to do this with another person or don’t yet know what to say, practice on your own. Listen to audio erotica on websites like literotica.com or the sub-Reddit r/gonewildaudio. Find stories and fantasies that turn you on, and then practice repeating those phrases or talking through similar scenarios.
And lastly, remember that talking dirty is fun! The phone sex market exists because people want to feel free to express their desires. Doing so within the context of your own relationships can be really worthwhile.
Jessie Sage is a sex worker and writer based in Pittsburgh, PA. She’s also the co-founder of Peepshow Magazine and the co-host of the Peepshow Podcast. Her words can be found in the Washington Post, VICE’s Motherboard, Hustler Magazine, Men’s Health, BuzzFeed, and more. She’s currently writing a book on sex work, motherhood, and illness called An Unexpected Place (forthcoming on West Virginia University Press).